Expression Vs Impression

Focus on expressing yourself rather than impressing people.

Expressing yourself without attachment to how people will react to it.

If you are trying to impress or impress something upon people then you’re going to be attached to the outcome.

“Did I convey what I wanted to? Are they feeling or thinking what I want them to feel or think?”

Practice expressing your authentic self every day, and let the chips fall where they may.

Form and Function

Form and function are intertwined.

I want to make things simple for you.

So I write things down in a simple way.

You can make things as easy or as complicated for yourself as you want.

Remember your mind and body are optimised for helping you to reach your goals.

Don’t stand in their way.

Keep things simple.

The Law Of Diminishing Returns

Be wary of the law of diminishing returns.

In the beginning you get a lot of return on your efforts.

Just going up and introducing yourself to new people will increase your chances tremendously.

After that you may experiment with your body language and tone of voice.

That will improve your results even more, but not as much as the first step you took.

Then you might try out different opening lines.

Again you may improve your results but the returns are starting to diminish.

Always keep in mind how much effort and time you are putting in and whether they are worth the results you expect to get from them.

Sometimes it’s worth it, sometimes it isn’t.

The 80 / 20 Rule

Always look for the 80 / 20 rule (also known as the Pareto Principle) and optimise what you are doing.

Where are most of your results coming from?

Do more of that.

The vast majority of tricks and techniques are there to fool yourself into thinking you are worthy.

Focus on those that are easiest to implement and give you the best return on your time and effort.

It’s Not Just A Skill-Set

For a long time the ‘tool-box’ metaphor was employed to make learning social-skills easier for systematised nerd-thinking.

While it’s useful it can be overly mechanistic and reinforces the wrong mind-sets.

You need to approach this holistically.

Because this is a game of fluidity, subtleties and emotions.

Not just cold hard logic.

Stop Trying To Prove How Smart You Are

Nerd thinking is obsessed with being right and proving how smart you are.

Always having the last word, or correcting people.

Well done, now people think you are book-smart… but lack social intelligence.

It comes from a place of feeling insecure.

You need to be ok with being the smartest (or richest, most handsome, healthy etc.) person in the room and no one knowing about it.

It’s like the guy with a sports-car mentioning it every moment he can.

He’s obviously compensating for something.

Reader’s Question: “How Do I Lead?”

Note: If you want to submit a question just e-mail me at y@approachexcitement.com

Details will be changed to protect the innocent.

Hey Y,

Just a quick question. I’m having trouble with leading girls. I often don’t know what to do and get confused about how to move things forward. I think it’s because I want to make sure I get things right and am afraid of losing the girl. Can you give me some tips to become better at leading?

J – London, UK

First of all you need to have a clear idea in your mind of what you want to achieve and the steps you need to take in order to get there.

If you goal is a date then figure out the steps that will get you there. You’ll have to approach, introduce yourself, have a conversation, suggest a date and then get her number.

Your focus is on what you think is the best way to proceed, not on figuring out the correct steps or ‘doing it right’. The former gets you results and relevant feedback much more quickly while the latter is couter-productive and leads to too much questioning of your actions.

Next, you need to practice some Buddhism-light, as you hinted in your question, and remove attachment to the outcome. Don’t focus on whether or not she will follow or whether you will get things right.

Don’t focus on whether she will follow. Focus on where you are going.

If she follows, that’s great. If not, it doesn’t matter.

Caring about the outcome will actually lower the chances of the outcome happening.

Are You The “But what if…?” Guy?

There’s always one.

Actually there’s always a few.

Whenever someone is giving out advice, based on wisdom and experience, and people are gathered around eager to learn, there is someone that needs more.

More information, more tactics, more details.

They want to know exactly what to do in every single situation, how to deal with every contingency.

They ask the “But what if…?” questions.

“But what if she’s with a friend?”

“But what if she’s on the phone?”

“But what if I’m tired?”

“But what if I’m not dressed nicely?”

On and on they go.

They’re not comfortable with taking on responsibility and they don’t trust themselves to be able to find solutions for themselves.

They’re afraid they’ll mess it up.

Look… you’re going to mess up. It’s inevitable.

No matter how good you get, you’ll still mess up eventually.

Messing up a lot is the price you have to pay for getting good.

Embrace it.

You want an authority figure to lay it all out for you.

They can’t.

Yes, they can give you advice.

They can point you in the right direction, give you a rough map of how to get where you want to go and explain to you the broad outlines of the journey.

But the exact details of the journey will be unique to you.

You have to take your own journey, not someone else’s.

It’s the only way you can reach your destination.

It’s the only way you can get good.

Play For Keeps

A lot of people like to take on the practice frame when socialising.

This is a handy frame when you’re still suffering from a lot of anxiety and nervousness.

It takes some of the pressure off.

But at some point and sooner rather than later you need start playing for keeps.

No more messing about.

Take yourself and your goals seriously.

Pursue what you want with clear intent.

That’s what will give you the killer edge and provide you with real results.

Do It Anway

I don’t know what to say. Do it anyway.

I’m tired. Do it anyway.

I’m nervous. Do it anyway.

She’s with a friend. Do it anyway.

She looks like she’s in a hurry. Do it anyway.

She looks bitchy. Do it anyway.